With all the talk about wine wankers in the news after Nick Bhasin’s article in the Sydney Morning Herald last week, I’m going against the grain a bit and thought I’d give a proper introduction on how TO look like snob whilst sipping wine. Because lets face it – we all want to look like we know what we’re doing. While many savvy sippers try to avoid looking like a wine snob, I personally own it, embrace it and apologize later…actually I don’t. Wine is meant to be enjoyed – not hidden – and here are a few slightly tricky steps to sipping wine like a true professional. There are no rules in drinking wine, but if you want to play the part, you’ve got to know the basics! So the next time you’re at Hotel Biron, do the following, and be prepared to dodge flying objects.
1. Swirl the wine around in your glass and don’t spill it all over the place like a twat.
2. Jam your entire nose in the glass. Sniff. Ladies, please mind the rookie mistake of repeating after your lipstick has rubbed off on the rim, leaving a red moustache on your face.
3. Press your index finger over each nostril. Sniff.
4. Thrust your stemware into thin air, dramatically in search of the perfect lighting with which to inspect the wine. This will ensure that everyone sees that you clearly know what you’re doing.
4.a If you are in the mission replace “stemware” with “mason jar”…scratch that…drink PBR instead.
5. Inspect the 3 Cs. We’re talking color, consistency, clarity here.
6. Raise your glass to your lips, tip the glass and let the wine slide into your mouth. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT swallow. I know this might be hard from some of you.
7. Give the inside of your mouth a little wash with the wine and make sure it touches each part of your tongue to experience it’s full flavor profile.
8. Oxygenate the wine in your mouth. Try not to choke on it. Taste again.
9. Turn to your friend and nod in approval with an awkward grin…because, you know, there’s still wine in your mouth.
10. Swallow. Now that you’ve properly teased your tastebuds, you may swallow.